The personal pronouns she/her and he/him have been part of our daily language for centuries. However, more people are increasingly uncomfortable with these pronouns. They may prefer to use they/them, ze/hir or even a combination of pronouns. But when do you use they versus them, or ze versus hir? It’s explained for you below!
When someone uses they/them pronouns:
When someone uses she/her pronouns:
When someone uses he/him pronouns:
Each person’s preferred pronouns can differ, so checking and using the correct pronouns is a meaningful way to show respect and inclusivity.
We’ve all probably heard it before: “Hello, ladies and gentlemen.” For many people, this phrase often goes unnoticed, but for trans and non-binary people, it can trigger a dysphoric feeling. So, how can we make sure to address everyone in an inclusive and pleasant way? By using inclusive language and gender-neutral words! Why is this so important? Using inclusive language ensures no one is left out and everyone feels part of what you say or write. But what exactly does “gender-neutral” and “inclusive” mean? It depends on the context and the relationship you have with the person.
Switching to general language
Do you write emails or texts, or speak in front of groups? Avoid words like “ladies and gentlemen,” “boys and girls,” or “Ms.” and “Mr.” Using just these words excludes a whole group of people. Instead, use inclusive alternatives, such as “people,” “folks,” or “everyone.” You can also address people by their role or function, such as “students,” “colleagues,” “guests,” or “travellers.” This way, you address people without assigning a gender, which is inclusive language!
Also, much of our language is written in male form, and we don’t always know how to avoid this. Below are different ways to rephrase gender-related words or avoid them altogether. For example, you can choose a plural form:
You can also choose an article instead of a male possessive pronoun:
And then there’s the option to use ‘they’, which is already a neutral term in general language.
In addition to the examples mentioned above, there are plenty of other ways to rephrase your sentences in a more inclusive language. It might feel a bit strange at first, but the more conscious you become of it and the more often you use it, the easier it will be to get the hang of it!
Gender-free family terms
Family terms are also often gender-based. For example, “father/mother,” “brother/sister,” “uncle/aunt,” “grandfather/grandmother,” “nephew/niece.” All of these words are tied to a specific gender, and many trans and non-binary people feel uncomfortable with them. To make it easier, we’ve created a list of inclusive/gender-neutral alternatives. Don’t hesitate to get creative and come up with words that feel right for you as a trans or non-binary person!
In some situations, there aren’t yet neutral or inclusive words. Especially in the Dutch language, we’re still catching up with creating new, inclusive terms. Take a moment to think about this and try coming up with new words yourself. After all, language is something we create together!
Speak up for inclusive language Do you often hear other people use gendered words that make you feel uncomfortable, as an ally or a trans/non-binary person? Don’t hesitate to speak up and explain why it’s important to use inclusive language.
Have you ever said something like, “I’m really trying, but I’m just adjusting,” or “They, he, she — I don’t get the difference,” or “I’m sorry in advance, but I’m bound to make mistakes; it’s just confusing”? If so, you might be feeling some discomfort, uncertainty, or fear of getting it wrong — and that’s understandable. That’s why we’ve written this guide to use pronouns correctly, designed especially for you.
Binary pronouns Personal pronouns are used to refer to people without mentioning their names — for instance, “She’s over there; this is her bag.” Everyone uses pronouns, often without even noticing! Common pronouns include he/him and she/her, but these only account for the male/female binary, which can be limiting. Not everyone identifies as male or female, and using only those pronouns can be hurtful for some. Pronouns are often assumed based on someone’s appearance, but these assumptions can be incorrect, because we simply can’t determine someone’s gender identity based on their looks. For example, someone might dress in a way you see as feminine but might not use she/her pronouns. It’s also important to remember that gender identity can evolve or be fluid, meaning people may update their pronouns as they see fit.
Expanding language He/him and she/her doesn’t allow for many people enough room to be themselves, so the Dutch language has added the pronouns die/diens and hen/hun (often used as they/them in English). The beauty of these additions is that everyone can choose the pronouns they feel best reflect their identity. For example, your colleague might prefer he/him, your teacher might go by she/they, and your friend might use they/them. Sometimes, people combine pronouns, like he/they or she/they. If someone has combined pronouns, it’s important to use both rather than sticking to just one, as they prefer both to be used.
Key points to remember: Instead of assuming someone’s pronouns based on appearance or unspoken rules, always ask which pronouns they use and make an effort to respect their choice. By asking, you avoid addressing someone incorrectly and reduce the risk of misgendering. Want to learn more about this? See our blog “How can you know someone’s pronouns?”
Using she/her: “She has such a great style; I’d love to check out her wardrobe.”
Using he/him: “I’ve know him since he became famous. He rose to fame because of his singing career”
Using they/them: “They love collecting shoes — it’s truly their passion. They just bought new shoes for their collection.”
Using he/they: “I laughed so hard with Otto yesterday! He told me they tripped on the train and ended up falling on an older passenger.”
Using she/they: “Annie is over there in the distance; you can spot her by their big red glasses.”
Using they/them: “I have a meeting with them the day after tomorrow. They left their laptop with me.”
It’s very simple – you don’t! You can’t tell someone’s pronouns just by their appearance, the way they talk, or their behaviour. That’s why we’ve outlined three ways to help you find out someone’s pronouns!
Just ask! The most logical way is to simply ask someone how they prefer to be addressed. This way, you immediately have it figured out for yourself, and the chance of making mistakes is much smaller.
“I was at the school playground recently, picking up my child. Next to me was a parent whose child is in the same class as mine. She approached me and asked if I would prefer to be called ‘dad’ or ‘parent.’ I found it special that she asked me because I’m not used to it. I answered that I preferred ‘parent.'”
When you talk about someone else without them being present and want to refer to them, you can still do this generally by using words like ‘they.’ Alternatively, you can refer to the task the person is doing, such as ‘the photographer,’ ‘project worker,’ ‘colleague,’ etc.
Introduce yourself with pronouns When you meet someone new, you often introduce yourself by name. Get in the habit of introducing yourself with your pronouns as well. This way, it’s immediately clear how you want to be addressed, and you encourage others to do the same. This helps prevent misgendering.
If you’re not transgender or non-binary, but you have a friend or family member who is, and they have trouble speaking up about it, it often helps if you introduce yourself with your pronouns first in their presence. This gives them more space and takes some pressure off their shoulders.
“I was at an event with my friend. When we arrived, we were quickly addressed with ‘good afternoon, ladies.’ I looked at the person and said, ‘People, we don’t identify as ladies. My name is Lot, pronouns she/they, and this is my partner Abbi, pronouns they/them.'”
Make your pronouns visible If you want to raise awareness about the diversity of pronouns and the spectrum of gender, either as an ally or as a trans or non-binary person, add your pronouns to your email signature, your social media bio, or your WhatsApp account. This way, you make it clear how you prefer to be addressed, and you bring the topic to the attention of others. It’s a win-win!
It might still feel a bit awkward to use pronouns like ‘they’ or ‘them’ for one person. Many people often don’t know how to use them either. Pro-Now helps you practise so that it becomes easier for you over time!
Still unsure? Do you sometimes feel unsure about how to refer to family members, friends, or people you meet for the first time in social situations? Don’t rely on your own assumptions or perceptions. Keep it general and neutral, or ask, when the person is present, what their pronouns are. If the person isn’t there and you can’t ask, use ‘they!’ ‘They‘ has been used for all genders in our society for a long time. It’s also a great practice for you to remember and use these ‘new’ pronouns more easily!
When someone is referred to incorrectly, this is known as ‘misgendering’. This could mean using the wrong name, pronouns, or form of address. Whether it’s a simple mistake or an intentional attempt to invalidate someone, misgendering is hurtful and can create a socially unsafe environment. Using the right terms is therefore crucial.
Nevertheless, misgendering is often unintentional and can be uncomfortable for both parties, but why is it especially distressing for trans and non-binary people? This is closely related to the general mental health of trans and non-binary individuals. For more on this, read the blog post Why using pronouns correctly can save lives.
How to handle misgendering?
So, what should you do if you happen to misgender someone? Here are some tips:
If you notice it yourself and want to correct it Tip 1: Avoid blaming yourself It’s natural for you to feel bad if you accidentally use the wrong pronouns, but it’s much harder for the person being misgendered. Making it about yourself and expressing guilt can make things more uncomfortable. Instead, say something like, “Oops, I meant *correct form of address/name*. I’ll make an effort to get it right.” And, if you catch it immediately, continue the sentence naturally, e.g., “I saw *name*! She was – sorry, they were – heading toward the exit!”
Tip 2: Skip the ‘sorry’ Often, the word “sorry” prompts responses like “it’s okay” or “it’s no big deal,” which tends to encourage the other person to reassure you, instead of acknowledging your mistake. If you want to show you’ll do better, express that rather than apologising.
If you don’t realise it, but want to improve Tip 1: Ask a cisgender friend to help you correct yourself
People sometimes feel nervous about talking to those who don’t identify as strictly male or female, often out of fear of getting it wrong. They might even preemptively apologise by saying, “I’ll do my best, but I’m sorry in advance if I mess it up.” This is well-intentioned, but it can be exhausting for the person in question to constantly advocate for themselves. Instead, ask someone else for help. For example, tell a colleague or friend before the conversation, “I sometimes find it difficult to use the correct pronouns; would you mind helping me if I slip up?”
If you don’t realise it, and someone corrects you Tip 1: Just say thank you and carry on
As with the previous tips, it’s best not to dwell too much on the misgendering. Accept the correction, as this is how you learn. If someone corrects you, simply say “thank you” and continue speaking. This shows you appreciate the help offered to get it right.
Example: You: “Hey, I noticed *name* isn’t here yet; do you know if he’s on his way?” Other Person: “You mean, ‘she.’ I’m not sure; maybe you could give her a call?” You: “Yes, thanks. I’ll give her a call!”
Want to correct someone else? Do so as soon as possible. You can even interject in the conversation, allowing the person to correct themselves immediately and continue naturally. Example: Person A: “You could just ask her…” Person B: “Ask him.” Person A: “Thanks – ask him if you want more info.”
Learning from our mistakes Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s not shameful if you slip up. What matters is your willingness to improve. Make it a priority to get it right. Practice with a partner or close friend by having a conversation about someone you know, or even a fictional person. The more you practise, the easier it will become!
