The personal pronouns she/her and he/him have been part of our daily language for centuries. However, more people are increasingly uncomfortable with these pronouns. They may prefer to use they/them, ze/hir or even a combination of pronouns. But when do you use they versus them, or ze versus hir? It’s explained for you below!
When someone uses they/them pronouns:
When someone uses she/her pronouns:
When someone uses he/him pronouns:
Each person’s preferred pronouns can differ, so checking and using the correct pronouns is a meaningful way to show respect and inclusivity.
We’ve all probably heard it before: “Hello, ladies and gentlemen.” For many people, this phrase often goes unnoticed, but for trans and non-binary people, it can trigger a dysphoric feeling. So, how can we make sure to address everyone in an inclusive and pleasant way? By using inclusive language and gender-neutral words! Why is this so important? Using inclusive language ensures no one is left out and everyone feels part of what you say or write. But what exactly does “gender-neutral” and “inclusive” mean? It depends on the context and the relationship you have with the person.
Switching to general language
Do you write emails or texts, or speak in front of groups? Avoid words like “ladies and gentlemen,” “boys and girls,” or “Ms.” and “Mr.” Using just these words excludes a whole group of people. Instead, use inclusive alternatives, such as “people,” “folks,” or “everyone.” You can also address people by their role or function, such as “students,” “colleagues,” “guests,” or “travellers.” This way, you address people without assigning a gender, which is inclusive language!
Also, much of our language is written in male form, and we don’t always know how to avoid this. Below are different ways to rephrase gender-related words or avoid them altogether. For example, you can choose a plural form:
You can also choose an article instead of a male possessive pronoun:
And then there’s the option to use ‘they’, which is already a neutral term in general language.
In addition to the examples mentioned above, there are plenty of other ways to rephrase your sentences in a more inclusive language. It might feel a bit strange at first, but the more conscious you become of it and the more often you use it, the easier it will be to get the hang of it!
Gender-free family terms
Family terms are also often gender-based. For example, “father/mother,” “brother/sister,” “uncle/aunt,” “grandfather/grandmother,” “nephew/niece.” All of these words are tied to a specific gender, and many trans and non-binary people feel uncomfortable with them. To make it easier, we’ve created a list of inclusive/gender-neutral alternatives. Don’t hesitate to get creative and come up with words that feel right for you as a trans or non-binary person!
In some situations, there aren’t yet neutral or inclusive words. Especially in the Dutch language, we’re still catching up with creating new, inclusive terms. Take a moment to think about this and try coming up with new words yourself. After all, language is something we create together!
Speak up for inclusive language Do you often hear other people use gendered words that make you feel uncomfortable, as an ally or a trans/non-binary person? Don’t hesitate to speak up and explain why it’s important to use inclusive language.
To explain transgender identities, it helps to first understand the term ‘cisgender’. If you are cisgender, your gender identity matches the sex assigned to you at birth. For transgender people, this is different. There are two main types of transgender identities:
Transgender binary people The term “binary” means two-part, and in this context, it refers to the traditional male/female categories. You are a transgender binary person if your gender identity doesn’t align with the sex assigned at birth, but you identify with the opposite binary gender instead. In other words, a trans binary person may identify as a trans man or trans woman, fitting within the male/female categories.
Transgender non-binary people Trans non-binary people, however, don’t identify strictly within the male/female binary. Instead, their gender identity or expression exists outside of these two categories. Examples include identities such as gender-fluid, genderqueer, polygender, bigender, demigender, and agender. Each of these identities are unique. A gender-fluid person’s identity may shift between genders over time. A demigender person partially identifies with a certain gender, but not fully. Lastly, an agender person does not experience any gender. This identity is separate from the sex assigned to them at birth, although they can always influence each other.
Social transition When someone identifies as transgender, people often assume this means they will undergo both a social and physical transition. However, for some people, a physical transition isn’t always necessary. This is where social transition plays an important role.
A social transition involves changes in daily life that don’t require any medical or physical adjustments. It’s about aligning how others perceive someone as their true gender identity. Social transition can include changing one’s name, adopting new pronouns, changing clothing style or appearance, and adjusting behaviours or roles in social contexts. Each person’s social transition is unique and can be flexible, allowing them to add or change elements as they grow more comfortable with their gender expression.
Physical transition A physical transition, also called a medical or bodily transition, involves medical steps to change someone’s physical characteristics to better align with their gender identity. This can include hormone therapy, surgeries, or other medical procedures such as laser hair removal or voice training. Not everyone chooses or needs a physical transition—some people feel their gender identity is best reflected through social changes without physical adjustments, while others find physical changes necessary.
For some transgender and non-binary people, both social and physical transitions are important; for others, just one type of transition may feel right. The decision to pursue a social or physical transition is highly personal. Many people experience a sense of gender euphoria—positive feelings when their gender identity is affirmed—through social or physical changes. Respect and understanding of others, including the use of correct pronouns and recognizing someone’s chosen name, can make a meaningful difference, even without physical transition.
When we talk about transgender and non-binary people, terms like ‘gender dysphoria’ and ‘gender euphoria’ are often used. But what do these terms actually mean?
Gender dysphoria as a medical term Gender dysphoria is the term used in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) to describe the psychological distress that occurs when someone’s gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. Although gender dysphoria is not classified as a mental disorder, it is recognized as a diagnosis to help people access medical care if they need it. The term is used in the medical field to identify transgender and non-binary people who are eligible for gender-affirming care.
To access this care, gender dysphoria must be officially diagnosed by a psychologist or psychiatrist, who must follow the criteria in the DSM-5. This system often places gender psychologists and psychiatrists in the role of gatekeepers, meaning transgender and non-binary individuals often have to prove they are “trans enough” to receive the support needed. Many transgender and non-binary people, as well as some gender psychologists and psychiatrists, find the DSM system stigmatising and view the diagnosis requirement as an obstacle to receiving care.
In this blog, however, we want to focus on the individual experiences of gender dysphoria and gender euphoria. While we can criticise the system, we aim to make it better understandable to those who experience either discomfort or joy related to their gender identity.
The definition of gender dysphoria and gender euphoria Gender dysphoria refers to the discomfort or psychological distress that someone feels when their gender identity doesn’t align with their assigned gender at birth. This can be both physical and social: gender dysphoria might come from feeling dissatisfied with one’s body or from social situations where a person’s gender is not recognized or affirmed.
Gender euphoria refers to the positive feelings, inner joy, and peace someone experiences when their gender identity is fully expressed. This can also be both physical and social: gender euphoria can come from physical changes that align better with one’s identity or from social recognition and validation of who someone truly is.
Examples of body dysphoria and euphoria Body dysphoria occurs when a person feels discomfort because their body doesn’t match their gender identity. This could include feeling unhappy with one’s breasts, genitalia, or body characteristics like body hair or muscle mass that don’t align with how they see themselves. A person’s voice can also be a source of dysphoria, as well as body shapes that don’t match the desired gender identity.
Body dysphoria is generally a personal experience, but it can also occur during interactions. For example, someone might feel uncomfortable if they are touched on their shoulders or hips. In many cases, this leads to the desire for medical interventions, like surgeries or hormone treatments, to make the body align more with one’s gender experience. These physical changes can lead to body euphoria, which is the joy or satisfaction someone feels when their body or expression matches their gender identity. Examples of body euphoria include the happiness someone feels when their body changes through hormone treatment or when they feel proud and comfortable in clothing that reflects their gender identity.
Examples of social dysphoria and euphoria Social dysphoria can occur when someone is not treated as the gender they identify with. This type of dysphoria might happen when someone is misgendered with the wrong pronouns or forced to choose between gendered spaces, such as public restrooms or changing rooms. Social euphoria happens when someone feels seen and heard by others or in certain spaces. By addressing someone with their correct name and pronouns, you contribute to the social gender euphoria of transgender and non-binary people.
Do you need to experience dysphoria to feel euphoria? No, you don’t have to experience dysphoria to experience euphoria, or vice versa. Not everyone feels bodily or social dysphoria. For example, some demigirls and demiboys may identify with being female or male physically but not with the social gender norms, roles, and expectations attached to those identities. Cisgender people might experience gender euphoria but usually don’t experience gender dysphoria, as they typically don’t encounter situations where their gender is misinterpreted.
Not every gender identity will experience the same types of dysphoria or euphoria, as these experiences vary from person to person. For example, not all transgender men experience body dysphoria related to their primary sex characteristics. Some people think that with a certain gender identity, there should come certain expectations—for example, transgender women should have a higher voice, breasts, no facial hair, and a vulva, or non-binary people should appear androgynous and not “too masculine” or “too feminine.” These are stereotypical norms that come from the binary gender system that dominates society, and it’s important to let go of these assumptions.
Gender dysphoria and gender euphoria are personal experiences, so don’t make assumptions. What you can do is ask someone what can make them feel dysphoric and how you can contribute to their gender euphoria.
Trigger warning: This blog discusses suicide and suicide statistics.
The mental health of trans and non-binary people A recent study (2022) by The Trevor Project reveals that 59% of transgender men and boys, 48% of transgender women and girls, and 53% of non-binary youth have considered attempting suicide. Take a moment to take that in —this means that, on average, 1 in 2 trans and non-binary youngsters find life so unbearable that they struggle with suicidal thoughts, and feel that life is hopeless. About 1 in 5 of these youths have actually attempted suicide, with 20% feeling they no longer have the will to keep fighting. Their mental health is at a critically low point. This is an issue we must tackle together.
How do these statistics compare with other groups? You might be curious how these numbers compare to other young people. Among cisgender LGB youth (those who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual and feel comfortable with their sex assigned at birth), 1 in 10 attempt suicide. We can recognise a clear difference in mental health between LGB youth and trans and non-binary youth. Additionally, other identity-related factors affect these numbers. Queer youth who are Black, Indigenous, or People of Color (BIPOC) are twice as likely to attempt suicide compared to white queer youth.
What can we do to save lives? In the Trevor Project study, trans and non-binary youth have expressed that social support from family and community makes a big difference. And that’s where each of us can help—social support is something we can offer together. One of the top five ways to provide this support is by correctly using a person’s name and pronouns. This is further supported by Trevor Project’s 2023 research, which found that trans and non-binary youth report lower rates of suicide attempts when people in their lives consistently respect their pronouns. Using correct pronouns, in this case, truly can save lives.
Beyond using someone’s pronouns respectfully yourself, you can actively contribute to normalising the use of pronouns in your surroundings. Simple proactive adjustments like introducing yourself with your pronouns, asking others for theirs, and adding your pronouns in your email, Instagram bio, or WhatsApp profile can help create a culture of acceptance that greatly supports trans and non-binary people.
Are you struggling with suicidal thoughts and need someone to talk to? Reach out to 113 for support.
*The Trevor Project is a US-based NGO with a mission to prevent suicide among LGBTQ youth. Alongside providing counselling in the U.S., they conduct large-scale research on the mental health of trans and non-binary youth. Their 2022 survey included over 30,000 LGBTQ youth, of whom 48% were trans or non-binary, 19% questioning their gender, and 33% cisgender.
*BIPOC stands for Black, Indigenous, and People of Colour. Pronounced as “bye-pock,” this term aims to centre the experiences of Black and Indigenous groups and highlight solidarity among communities of colour.
When talking about transgender and non-binary people, you often hear the word “ally,” but what does it really mean? An ally is someone who doesn’t belong to a certain group (in this case, not a transgender person), but supports and advocates for their safety, acceptance, and rights. Transgender and non-binary people are part of a marginalised group, meaning they often have less power and fewer opportunities in society due to how it is structured. That’s why they need allies—people who help create a better society where everyone has equal chances. But how can you be a good ally?
Do’s and don’ts Allies don’t just tolerate transgender and non-binary people; they also stand up for the community. They help make sure the community feels heard, accepted, and respected in society. Do you consider yourself an ally but aren’t sure how you can help transgender and non-binary people? Check out these tips!
Educate yourself! As an ally, it’s important to know what you’re talking about. You can’t be an ally if you haven’t taken the time to learn. So, make sure you do your research! Reading this blog is a good first step. You can also explore other blogs and reliable sites such as Transvisie, Transgender Netwerk, or Movisie.
Don’t use transgender or non-binary people as an encyclopaedia. It’s great that you want to learn more about transgender people, but constantly bombarding someone from this community with questions can feel overwhelming. Many transgender and non-binary people regularly face inappropriate or overly personal questions. Someone’s transgender identity doesn’t always need to be the topic of conversation. It can be better to do your own research than to quiz the person directly.
Ask about personal stories If you have a close relationship with someone who is trans or non-binary, create a safe space for them to talk about their needs, transition process, or feelings of dysphoria or euphoria. It’s also important to respect if someone doesn’t want to share their story. The goal is to provide space, not to dissect their experience. Every trans and non-binary person has their own unique story, and it’s essential to avoid assuming everyone shares the same experiences or opinions.
Pronouns, pronouns, pronouns We all have pronouns. Use your own pronouns in places like your email, social media bio, or in conversation. When introducing yourself, try saying: “Hi, I’m … and my pronouns are she/her, what are yours?” By doing this everywhere, you create a welcoming environment where you can support trans and non-binary people. You also ensure that they don’t have to be the first to state their pronouns, normalising sharing pronouns for everyone!
Speak up about mistakes or ignorance Many people use their lack of knowledge as an excuse to keep making mistakes. It can be tough for trans and non-binary people to face this, but allies can help. If you hear someone make a mistake, gently point it out and explain why it’s harmful. You can also help people learn how to use the right pronouns by practising talking about that person with others, alleviating some pressure for the trans or non-binary person. By doing this, you take the burden off the community.
Be aware of your own gender perceptions and stereotypes It’s natural to want to categorise everything, but this can get in the way of seeing people for who they are. You can’t know someone’s gender identity just by looking at them or observing their behaviour. If you notice your perceptions of someone’s gender as a fact, it can lead to misgendering. Let go of these assumptions!
Support trans and non-binary rights Support initiatives and policies that protect the rights of trans and non-binary people. This could be by signing petitions for equal access to healthcare, attending protests, or donating to organisations that serve the community. You can also make an impact by speaking up to an online store or company that only offers “Mr.” or “Ms.” as options for addressing people, or by letting a restaurant or café know if their restrooms aren’t gender-inclusive.
Being a good ally to transgender and non-binary people isn’t just about showing understanding; it’s about actively contributing to a more inclusive society where everyone feels safe and accepted. By being proactive, listening, and taking responsibility, you can help create real change and build a world where everyone—no matter their gender identity—can be themselves.
Have you ever said something like, “I’m really trying, but I’m just adjusting,” or “They, he, she — I don’t get the difference,” or “I’m sorry in advance, but I’m bound to make mistakes; it’s just confusing”? If so, you might be feeling some discomfort, uncertainty, or fear of getting it wrong — and that’s understandable. That’s why we’ve written this guide to use pronouns correctly, designed especially for you.
Binary pronouns Personal pronouns are used to refer to people without mentioning their names — for instance, “She’s over there; this is her bag.” Everyone uses pronouns, often without even noticing! Common pronouns include he/him and she/her, but these only account for the male/female binary, which can be limiting. Not everyone identifies as male or female, and using only those pronouns can be hurtful for some. Pronouns are often assumed based on someone’s appearance, but these assumptions can be incorrect, because we simply can’t determine someone’s gender identity based on their looks. For example, someone might dress in a way you see as feminine but might not use she/her pronouns. It’s also important to remember that gender identity can evolve or be fluid, meaning people may update their pronouns as they see fit.
Expanding language He/him and she/her doesn’t allow for many people enough room to be themselves, so the Dutch language has added the pronouns die/diens and hen/hun (often used as they/them in English). The beauty of these additions is that everyone can choose the pronouns they feel best reflect their identity. For example, your colleague might prefer he/him, your teacher might go by she/they, and your friend might use they/them. Sometimes, people combine pronouns, like he/they or she/they. If someone has combined pronouns, it’s important to use both rather than sticking to just one, as they prefer both to be used.
Key points to remember: Instead of assuming someone’s pronouns based on appearance or unspoken rules, always ask which pronouns they use and make an effort to respect their choice. By asking, you avoid addressing someone incorrectly and reduce the risk of misgendering. Want to learn more about this? See our blog “How can you know someone’s pronouns?”
Using she/her: “She has such a great style; I’d love to check out her wardrobe.”
Using he/him: “I’ve know him since he became famous. He rose to fame because of his singing career”
Using they/them: “They love collecting shoes — it’s truly their passion. They just bought new shoes for their collection.”
Using he/they: “I laughed so hard with Otto yesterday! He told me they tripped on the train and ended up falling on an older passenger.”
Using she/they: “Annie is over there in the distance; you can spot her by their big red glasses.”
Using they/them: “I have a meeting with them the day after tomorrow. They left their laptop with me.”
Research by The Trevor Project (2022) shows that social support from family and the environment makes a significant difference for transgender and non-binary people. It helps them feel seen, heard, and accepted. One of the ways this support can be given is using the correct name and pronouns. But what do we mean by “correct,” what else is needed, and how can we incorporate all of this into parenting?
Listen, practice, and learn It is important that children feel heard. They don’t just mention wanting to use new pronouns and/or a new name casually, or to experiment with them. Even though this might be new for you – and that’s okay – it’s important to listen and teach yourself to use the correct pronouns and/or name. If a child wants to use different pronouns and/or a different name after some time, give them the space to do so and try to go along with it. This shows them that you support them. What works against connection is questioning the child. This creates more distance than anything else. Trust that they will ask for what they need. Provide a healthy environment where they can express themselves and experiment with their (gender) identity.
What else can you do? In upbringing and through parenting, we see that children are often exposed to the current gender roles and norms in society. This can limit their freedom to develop their own identity. So, from the very start, you can expose children to gender-neutral toys, gender-neutral clothing, and inclusive statements to avoid this. For example, you can let a child born with male sex play with both a Barbie doll and a race car. And you can tell children born with female sex that they are strong. They probably hear enough about being sweet and cute already.
Another important point is to talk to your children about this subject. Tell them how the world works and how people often act based on assumptions. Emphasise that you, as a parent, believe your child can be whatever they want to be, and that there are no rules when it comes to gender. You want to give the child a balanced perspective and not limit their development. Be mindful not to go overboard, as you want to show children, in an accessible and free way, how systems in our society work, and let them experiment with these expressions themselves.
Finally, we want to mention that it’s encouraged to use more gender-neutral words. For example, you could replace the words brother and sister with the word sibling. Additionally, when referring to your child, you could say my child instead of my daughter or son.
Your Own Gender Identity Are you, as a parent, transgender and/or non-binary? Welcome! Take the space to experiment with your own (gender) identity. Have a conversation with your child(ren) or partner(s) about how you would like to be addressed, even if this is not (yet) clear to yourself. If you want to change your pronouns, title, and/or name, that’s okay. If terms like father, mother, mama, or papa don’t feel right, choose another option. For instance, we also use terms like parent, baba, bibi, wawa, zaza, or mapa. You have the freedom to look for a term that feels comfortable, or you can even make one up!
It’s very simple – you don’t! You can’t tell someone’s pronouns just by their appearance, the way they talk, or their behaviour. That’s why we’ve outlined three ways to help you find out someone’s pronouns!
Just ask! The most logical way is to simply ask someone how they prefer to be addressed. This way, you immediately have it figured out for yourself, and the chance of making mistakes is much smaller.
“I was at the school playground recently, picking up my child. Next to me was a parent whose child is in the same class as mine. She approached me and asked if I would prefer to be called ‘dad’ or ‘parent.’ I found it special that she asked me because I’m not used to it. I answered that I preferred ‘parent.'”
When you talk about someone else without them being present and want to refer to them, you can still do this generally by using words like ‘they.’ Alternatively, you can refer to the task the person is doing, such as ‘the photographer,’ ‘project worker,’ ‘colleague,’ etc.
Introduce yourself with pronouns When you meet someone new, you often introduce yourself by name. Get in the habit of introducing yourself with your pronouns as well. This way, it’s immediately clear how you want to be addressed, and you encourage others to do the same. This helps prevent misgendering.
If you’re not transgender or non-binary, but you have a friend or family member who is, and they have trouble speaking up about it, it often helps if you introduce yourself with your pronouns first in their presence. This gives them more space and takes some pressure off their shoulders.
“I was at an event with my friend. When we arrived, we were quickly addressed with ‘good afternoon, ladies.’ I looked at the person and said, ‘People, we don’t identify as ladies. My name is Lot, pronouns she/they, and this is my partner Abbi, pronouns they/them.'”
Make your pronouns visible If you want to raise awareness about the diversity of pronouns and the spectrum of gender, either as an ally or as a trans or non-binary person, add your pronouns to your email signature, your social media bio, or your WhatsApp account. This way, you make it clear how you prefer to be addressed, and you bring the topic to the attention of others. It’s a win-win!
It might still feel a bit awkward to use pronouns like ‘they’ or ‘them’ for one person. Many people often don’t know how to use them either. Pro-Now helps you practise so that it becomes easier for you over time!
Still unsure? Do you sometimes feel unsure about how to refer to family members, friends, or people you meet for the first time in social situations? Don’t rely on your own assumptions or perceptions. Keep it general and neutral, or ask, when the person is present, what their pronouns are. If the person isn’t there and you can’t ask, use ‘they!’ ‘They‘ has been used for all genders in our society for a long time. It’s also a great practice for you to remember and use these ‘new’ pronouns more easily!
Many people assume that sex and gender mean the same thing, but nothing could be further from the truth! Why is it important to understand that there is a difference? Because one is about your biological sex – hormones, glands, genitalia – and the other is about the cultural and societal expectations based on their sex.
Sex When we talk about sex, we’re not just referring to what’s between your legs. We’re talking about everything in and on your body that relates to it. This includes things like sex chromosomes, sex glands, hormones, and both internal and external genitalia. These elements together make up what we call ‘sex.’ It’s called ‘sex assigned at birth’ because it refers to what was observed on the day you were born. It has nothing to do with how you feel inside.
In our society, we often see sex as a binary concept: male and female. However, this isn’t true for everyone. Around 1 in 100 people have an intersex variation, which is not exclusively ‘male’ or ‘female.’ For intersex people, there’s a variation in one or more of the aspects that determine sex during childhood development.
Gender Gender refers to the expectations society has, based on our sex. Our society is built on gender roles and norms, which people are expected to follow. These roles and norms are often unspoken, but we all feel them. For example, only women wear skirts, dresses, or nail polish, while men wear pants. Men don’t shave their legs, but women are expected to. Women are supposed to be modest, while men are expected to be assertive. Women don’t poop, men do – and even share pictures of it with their friends. There are so many gender expectations that we continue to uphold in 2024. How suffocating! Would you like to know more about how to break these norms? Or do you want to understand more about your gender identity, expression, and how people perceive you? Then be sure to read our blog “What is the difference between gender identity, gender expression, and gender perception?”
