Have you ever said something like, “I’m really trying, but I’m just adjusting,” or “They, he, she — I don’t get the difference,” or “I’m sorry in advance, but I’m bound to make mistakes; it’s just confusing”? If so, you might be feeling some discomfort, uncertainty, or fear of getting it wrong — and that’s understandable. That’s why we’ve written this guide to use pronouns correctly, designed especially for you.

Binary pronouns
Personal pronouns are used to refer to people without mentioning their names — for instance, “She’s over there; this is her bag.” Everyone uses pronouns, often without even noticing! Common pronouns include he/him and she/her, but these only account for the male/female binary, which can be limiting. Not everyone identifies as male or female, and using only those pronouns can be hurtful for some. Pronouns are often assumed based on someone’s appearance, but these assumptions can be incorrect, because we simply can’t determine someone’s gender identity based on their looks. For example, someone might dress in a way you see as feminine but might not use she/her pronouns. It’s also important to remember that gender identity can evolve or be fluid, meaning people may update their pronouns as they see fit.

Expanding language
He/him and she/her doesn’t allow for many people enough room to be themselves, so the Dutch language has added the pronouns die/diens and hen/hun (often used as they/them in English). The beauty of these additions is that everyone can choose the pronouns they feel best reflect their identity. For example, your colleague might prefer he/him, your teacher might go by she/they, and your friend might use they/them. Sometimes, people combine pronouns, like he/they or she/they. If someone has combined pronouns, it’s important to use both rather than sticking to just one, as they prefer both to be used.

Key points to remember: Instead of assuming someone’s pronouns based on appearance or unspoken rules, always ask which pronouns they use and make an effort to respect their choice. By asking, you avoid addressing someone incorrectly and reduce the risk of misgendering. Want to learn more about this? See our blog “How can you know someone’s pronouns?”

Using she/her:
“She has such a great style; I’d love to check out her wardrobe.”

Using he/him:
“I’ve know him since he became famous. He rose to fame because of his singing career”

Using they/them:
“They love collecting shoes — it’s truly their passion. They just bought new shoes for their collection.”

Using he/they:
“I laughed so hard with Otto yesterday! He told me they tripped on the train and ended up falling on an older passenger.”

Using she/they:
“Annie is over there in the distance; you can spot her by their big red glasses.”

Using they/them:
“I have a meeting with them the day after tomorrow. They left their laptop with me.”

Research by The Trevor Project (2022) shows that social support from family and the environment makes a significant difference for transgender and non-binary people. It helps them feel seen, heard, and accepted. One of the ways this support can be given is using the correct name and pronouns. But what do we mean by “correct,” what else is needed, and how can we incorporate all of this into parenting?

Listen, practice, and learn
It is important that children feel heard. They don’t just mention wanting to use new pronouns and/or a new name casually, or to experiment with them. Even though this might be new for you – and that’s okay – it’s important to listen and teach yourself to use the correct pronouns and/or name. If a child wants to use different pronouns and/or a different name after some time, give them the space to do so and try to go along with it. This shows them that you support them. What works against connection is questioning the child. This creates more distance than anything else. Trust that they will ask for what they need. Provide a healthy environment where they can express themselves and experiment with their (gender) identity.

What else can you do?
In upbringing and through parenting, we see that children are often exposed to the current gender roles and norms in society. This can limit their freedom to develop their own identity. So, from the very start, you can expose children to gender-neutral toys, gender-neutral clothing, and inclusive statements to avoid this. For example, you can let a child born with male sex play with both a Barbie doll and a race car. And you can tell children born with female sex that they are strong. They probably hear enough about being sweet and cute already.

Another important point is to talk to your children about this subject. Tell them how the world works and how people often act based on assumptions. Emphasise that you, as a parent, believe your child can be whatever they want to be, and that there are no rules when it comes to gender. You want to give the child a balanced perspective and not limit their development. Be mindful not to go overboard, as you want to show children, in an accessible and free way, how systems in our society work, and let them experiment with these expressions themselves.

Finally, we want to mention that it’s encouraged to use more gender-neutral words. For example, you could replace the words brother and sister with the word sibling. Additionally, when referring to your child, you could say my child instead of my daughter or son.

Your Own Gender Identity
Are you, as a parent, transgender and/or non-binary? Welcome! Take the space to experiment with your own (gender) identity. Have a conversation with your child(ren) or partner(s) about how you would like to be addressed, even if this is not (yet) clear to yourself. If you want to change your pronouns, title, and/or name, that’s okay. If terms like father, mother, mama, or papa don’t feel right, choose another option. For instance, we also use terms like parent, baba, bibi, wawa, zaza, or mapa. You have the freedom to look for a term that feels comfortable, or you can even make one up!

It’s very simple – you don’t! You can’t tell someone’s pronouns just by their appearance, the way they talk, or their behaviour. That’s why we’ve outlined three ways to help you find out someone’s pronouns!

Just ask!
The most logical way is to simply ask someone how they prefer to be addressed. This way, you immediately have it figured out for yourself, and the chance of making mistakes is much smaller.

“I was at the school playground recently, picking up my child. Next to me was a parent whose child is in the same class as mine. She approached me and asked if I would prefer to be called ‘dad’ or ‘parent.’ I found it special that she asked me because I’m not used to it. I answered that I preferred ‘parent.'”

When you talk about someone else without them being present and want to refer to them, you can still do this generally by using words like ‘they.’ Alternatively, you can refer to the task the person is doing, such as ‘the photographer,’ ‘project worker,’ ‘colleague,’ etc.

Introduce yourself with pronouns
When you meet someone new, you often introduce yourself by name. Get in the habit of introducing yourself with your pronouns as well. This way, it’s immediately clear how you want to be addressed, and you encourage others to do the same. This helps prevent misgendering.

If you’re not transgender or non-binary, but you have a friend or family member who is, and they have trouble speaking up about it, it often helps if you introduce yourself with your pronouns first in their presence. This gives them more space and takes some pressure off their shoulders.

“I was at an event with my friend. When we arrived, we were quickly addressed with ‘good afternoon, ladies.’ I looked at the person and said, ‘People, we don’t identify as ladies. My name is Lot, pronouns she/they, and this is my partner Abbi, pronouns they/them.'”

Make your pronouns visible
If you want to raise awareness about the diversity of pronouns and the spectrum of gender, either as an ally or as a trans or non-binary person, add your pronouns to your email signature, your social media bio, or your WhatsApp account. This way, you make it clear how you prefer to be addressed, and you bring the topic to the attention of others. It’s a win-win!

It might still feel a bit awkward to use pronouns like ‘they’ or ‘them’ for one person. Many people often don’t know how to use them either. Pro-Now helps you practise so that it becomes easier for you over time!

Still unsure?
Do you sometimes feel unsure about how to refer to family members, friends, or people you meet for the first time in social situations? Don’t rely on your own assumptions or perceptions. Keep it general and neutral, or ask, when the person is present, what their pronouns are. If the person isn’t there and you can’t ask, use ‘they!’ ‘They‘ has been used for all genders in our society for a long time. It’s also a great practice for you to remember and use these ‘new’ pronouns more easily!

Many people assume that sex and gender mean the same thing, but nothing could be further from the truth! Why is it important to understand that there is a difference? Because one is about your biological sex – hormones, glands, genitalia – and the other is about the cultural and societal expectations based on their sex.

Sex
When we talk about sex, we’re not just referring to what’s between your legs. We’re talking about everything in and on your body that relates to it. This includes things like sex chromosomes, sex glands, hormones, and both internal and external genitalia. These elements together make up what we call ‘sex.’ It’s called ‘sex assigned at birth’ because it refers to what was observed on the day you were born. It has nothing to do with how you feel inside.

In our society, we often see sex as a binary concept: male and female. However, this isn’t true for everyone. Around 1 in 100 people have an intersex variation, which is not exclusively ‘male’ or ‘female.’ For intersex people, there’s a variation in one or more of the aspects that determine sex during childhood development.

Gender
Gender refers to the expectations society has, based on our sex. Our society is built on gender roles and norms, which people are expected to follow. These roles and norms are often unspoken, but we all feel them. For example, only women wear skirts, dresses, or nail polish, while men wear pants. Men don’t shave their legs, but women are expected to. Women are supposed to be modest, while men are expected to be assertive. Women don’t poop, men do – and even share pictures of it with their friends. There are so many gender expectations that we continue to uphold in 2024. How suffocating! Would you like to know more about how to break these norms? Or do you want to understand more about your gender identity, expression, and how people perceive you? Then be sure to read our blog “What is the difference between gender identity, gender expression, and gender perception?”

Gender refers to the cultural and societal expectations placed on us based on our sex. Our world is built around traditional gender roles, which are expectations about how you should behave based on your sex. However, many people want to step outside these expectations. They may not identify with or may even strongly reject the expectations society places on them based on their sex. These people often identify as transgender and/or non-binary.

What is your gender identity?
Your gender identity describes your internal experience of being a man, a woman, a non-binary person, or something else. Everyone experiences gender differently, and it isn’t something you can always understand just by looking at someone.

There are three main types of gender identities:
– Cisgender: You are cisgender if your gender identity matches the sex you were assigned at birth.
– Transgender (binary): You are transgender (binary) if your gender identity is the opposite of the sex you were assigned at birth. This includes trans men and trans women.
– (Transgender) Non-binary: This is an umbrella term for people with a gender identity and/or expression outside the male/female binary. Examples of gender identities under this umbrella include genderfluid, genderqueer, polygender, bigender, demigender, and agender.

What is gender expression?
Gender expression refers to how you present or express your gender, including your appearance, clothing, hairstyle, and behaviour. You have some control over your gender expression, depending on your resources and environment. However, this doesn’t mean that your gender expression has to fit into the traditional binary gender expectations.

What is gender perception?
Gender perception is how people perceive and evaluate each other’s gender and bodies. Unlike gender expression, we can’t control how others perceive us. We see gender based on a variety of visual and social cues. In addition to your gender expression, physical characteristics and the social roles you take on also influence how people perceive your gender.

The stereotypical binary view of how a man or woman should be can sometimes take over our minds. This often leads to assumptions being made, which frequently results in misgendering trans and non-binary people.

How do you let go of your gender perception?
To let go of your gender perception, it’s important to train yourself to avoid making assumptions about people’s gender. You can’t always tell someone’s gender just by looking at them, just like we don’t know someone’s name when we first meet them. So you can simply ask for their pronouns. It’s important to remember and use people’s pronouns correctly. Struggling to do this? Check out our blog “What to do if you misgender someone?”

The big LGBTQIA+ alphabet
You may sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the letters in the rainbow acronym — why do we have so many labels? And why does one person use them, while another doesn’t? The simple answer is this: the words we use shape the world we live in. If we can use words to describe who we are, we can better understand ourselves, and others can too. To help create awareness, understanding, and acceptance around gender, these labels are important. They give us a tool to educate and communicate. Without these words, we wouldn’t be able to explain who we are as clearly.

When someone is referred to incorrectly, this is known as ‘misgendering’. This could mean using the wrong name, pronouns, or form of address. Whether it’s a simple mistake or an intentional attempt to invalidate someone, misgendering is hurtful and can create a socially unsafe environment. Using the right terms is therefore crucial.

Nevertheless, misgendering is often unintentional and can be uncomfortable for both parties, but why is it especially distressing for trans and non-binary people? This is closely related to the general mental health of trans and non-binary individuals. For more on this, read the blog post Why using pronouns correctly can save lives.

How to handle misgendering?

So, what should you do if you happen to misgender someone? Here are some tips:

If you notice it yourself and want to correct it
Tip 1: Avoid blaming yourself
It’s natural for you to feel bad if you accidentally use the wrong pronouns, but it’s much harder for the person being misgendered. Making it about yourself and expressing guilt can make things more uncomfortable. Instead, say something like, “Oops, I meant *correct form of address/name*. I’ll make an effort to get it right.” And, if you catch it immediately, continue the sentence naturally, e.g., “I saw *name*! She was – sorry, they were – heading toward the exit!”

Tip 2: Skip the ‘sorry’
Often, the word “sorry” prompts responses like “it’s okay” or “it’s no big deal,” which tends to encourage the other person to reassure you, instead of acknowledging your mistake. If you want to show you’ll do better, express that rather than apologising.

If you don’t realise it, but want to improve
Tip 1: Ask a cisgender friend to help you correct yourself

People sometimes feel nervous about talking to those who don’t identify as strictly male or female, often out of fear of getting it wrong. They might even preemptively apologise by saying, “I’ll do my best, but I’m sorry in advance if I mess it up.” This is well-intentioned, but it can be exhausting for the person in question to constantly advocate for themselves. Instead, ask someone else for help. For example, tell a colleague or friend before the conversation, “I sometimes find it difficult to use the correct pronouns; would you mind helping me if I slip up?”

If you don’t realise it, and someone corrects you
Tip 1: Just say thank you and carry on

As with the previous tips, it’s best not to dwell too much on the misgendering. Accept the correction, as this is how you learn. If someone corrects you, simply say “thank you” and continue speaking. This shows you appreciate the help offered to get it right.

Example: You: “Hey, I noticed *name* isn’t here yet; do you know if he’s on his way?” Other Person: “You mean, ‘she.’ I’m not sure; maybe you could give her a call?” You: “Yes, thanks. I’ll give her a call!”

Want to correct someone else?
Do so as soon as possible. You can even interject in the conversation, allowing the person to correct themselves immediately and continue naturally. Example: Person A: “You could just ask her…” Person B: “Ask him.” Person A: “Thanks – ask him if you want more info.”

Learning from our mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s not shameful if you slip up. What matters is your willingness to improve. Make it a priority to get it right. Practice with a partner or close friend by having a conversation about someone you know, or even a fictional person. The more you practise, the easier it will become!