Many people assume that sex and gender mean the same thing, but nothing could be further from the truth! Why is it important to understand that there is a difference? Because one is about your biological sex – hormones, glands, genitalia – and the other is about the cultural and societal expectations based on their sex.

Sex
When we talk about sex, we’re not just referring to what’s between your legs. We’re talking about everything in and on your body that relates to it. This includes things like sex chromosomes, sex glands, hormones, and both internal and external genitalia. These elements together make up what we call ‘sex.’ It’s called ‘sex assigned at birth’ because it refers to what was observed on the day you were born. It has nothing to do with how you feel inside.

In our society, we often see sex as a binary concept: male and female. However, this isn’t true for everyone. Around 1 in 100 people have an intersex variation, which is not exclusively ‘male’ or ‘female.’ For intersex people, there’s a variation in one or more of the aspects that determine sex during childhood development.

Gender
Gender refers to the expectations society has, based on our sex. Our society is built on gender roles and norms, which people are expected to follow. These roles and norms are often unspoken, but we all feel them. For example, only women wear skirts, dresses, or nail polish, while men wear pants. Men don’t shave their legs, but women are expected to. Women are supposed to be modest, while men are expected to be assertive. Women don’t poop, men do – and even share pictures of it with their friends. There are so many gender expectations that we continue to uphold in 2024. How suffocating! Would you like to know more about how to break these norms? Or do you want to understand more about your gender identity, expression, and how people perceive you? Then be sure to read our blog “What is the difference between gender identity, gender expression, and gender perception?”

Gender refers to the cultural and societal expectations placed on us based on our sex. Our world is built around traditional gender roles, which are expectations about how you should behave based on your sex. However, many people want to step outside these expectations. They may not identify with or may even strongly reject the expectations society places on them based on their sex. These people often identify as transgender and/or non-binary.

What is your gender identity?
Your gender identity describes your internal experience of being a man, a woman, a non-binary person, or something else. Everyone experiences gender differently, and it isn’t something you can always understand just by looking at someone.

There are three main types of gender identities:
– Cisgender: You are cisgender if your gender identity matches the sex you were assigned at birth.
– Transgender (binary): You are transgender (binary) if your gender identity is the opposite of the sex you were assigned at birth. This includes trans men and trans women.
– (Transgender) Non-binary: This is an umbrella term for people with a gender identity and/or expression outside the male/female binary. Examples of gender identities under this umbrella include genderfluid, genderqueer, polygender, bigender, demigender, and agender.

What is gender expression?
Gender expression refers to how you present or express your gender, including your appearance, clothing, hairstyle, and behaviour. You have some control over your gender expression, depending on your resources and environment. However, this doesn’t mean that your gender expression has to fit into the traditional binary gender expectations.

What is gender perception?
Gender perception is how people perceive and evaluate each other’s gender and bodies. Unlike gender expression, we can’t control how others perceive us. We see gender based on a variety of visual and social cues. In addition to your gender expression, physical characteristics and the social roles you take on also influence how people perceive your gender.

The stereotypical binary view of how a man or woman should be can sometimes take over our minds. This often leads to assumptions being made, which frequently results in misgendering trans and non-binary people.

How do you let go of your gender perception?
To let go of your gender perception, it’s important to train yourself to avoid making assumptions about people’s gender. You can’t always tell someone’s gender just by looking at them, just like we don’t know someone’s name when we first meet them. So you can simply ask for their pronouns. It’s important to remember and use people’s pronouns correctly. Struggling to do this? Check out our blog “What to do if you misgender someone?”

The big LGBTQIA+ alphabet
You may sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the letters in the rainbow acronym — why do we have so many labels? And why does one person use them, while another doesn’t? The simple answer is this: the words we use shape the world we live in. If we can use words to describe who we are, we can better understand ourselves, and others can too. To help create awareness, understanding, and acceptance around gender, these labels are important. They give us a tool to educate and communicate. Without these words, we wouldn’t be able to explain who we are as clearly.

When someone is referred to incorrectly, this is known as ‘misgendering’. This could mean using the wrong name, pronouns, or form of address. Whether it’s a simple mistake or an intentional attempt to invalidate someone, misgendering is hurtful and can create a socially unsafe environment. Using the right terms is therefore crucial.

Nevertheless, misgendering is often unintentional and can be uncomfortable for both parties, but why is it especially distressing for trans and non-binary people? This is closely related to the general mental health of trans and non-binary individuals. For more on this, read the blog post Why using pronouns correctly can save lives.

How to handle misgendering?

So, what should you do if you happen to misgender someone? Here are some tips:

If you notice it yourself and want to correct it
Tip 1: Avoid blaming yourself
It’s natural for you to feel bad if you accidentally use the wrong pronouns, but it’s much harder for the person being misgendered. Making it about yourself and expressing guilt can make things more uncomfortable. Instead, say something like, “Oops, I meant *correct form of address/name*. I’ll make an effort to get it right.” And, if you catch it immediately, continue the sentence naturally, e.g., “I saw *name*! She was – sorry, they were – heading toward the exit!”

Tip 2: Skip the ‘sorry’
Often, the word “sorry” prompts responses like “it’s okay” or “it’s no big deal,” which tends to encourage the other person to reassure you, instead of acknowledging your mistake. If you want to show you’ll do better, express that rather than apologising.

If you don’t realise it, but want to improve
Tip 1: Ask a cisgender friend to help you correct yourself

People sometimes feel nervous about talking to those who don’t identify as strictly male or female, often out of fear of getting it wrong. They might even preemptively apologise by saying, “I’ll do my best, but I’m sorry in advance if I mess it up.” This is well-intentioned, but it can be exhausting for the person in question to constantly advocate for themselves. Instead, ask someone else for help. For example, tell a colleague or friend before the conversation, “I sometimes find it difficult to use the correct pronouns; would you mind helping me if I slip up?”

If you don’t realise it, and someone corrects you
Tip 1: Just say thank you and carry on

As with the previous tips, it’s best not to dwell too much on the misgendering. Accept the correction, as this is how you learn. If someone corrects you, simply say “thank you” and continue speaking. This shows you appreciate the help offered to get it right.

Example: You: “Hey, I noticed *name* isn’t here yet; do you know if he’s on his way?” Other Person: “You mean, ‘she.’ I’m not sure; maybe you could give her a call?” You: “Yes, thanks. I’ll give her a call!”

Want to correct someone else?
Do so as soon as possible. You can even interject in the conversation, allowing the person to correct themselves immediately and continue naturally. Example: Person A: “You could just ask her…” Person B: “Ask him.” Person A: “Thanks – ask him if you want more info.”

Learning from our mistakes
Everyone makes mistakes, and it’s not shameful if you slip up. What matters is your willingness to improve. Make it a priority to get it right. Practice with a partner or close friend by having a conversation about someone you know, or even a fictional person. The more you practise, the easier it will become!